Dr.Prakash Yesudian, 1944-2014
I lost my Dad two months ago, to the day.
We were very fortunate to spend a good bit of quality time together as family through Dad’s last days as well as for a few weeks after he crossed the threshold. Something about just being together gave us strength and comfort. Since my return home to Colorado, I’m learning that dealing with loss takes us through many twists and turns.
Grief is an elusive thing in many ways, but it colors everything. It is a kaleidoscope of emotions tossed together to form different shapes with each new turn.
We grieve anything/anybody we valued deeply that is now lost to us – a loved one; relationships; something that could have been; loss of hope, dreams and possibilities…
In his poem Separation W. S. Merwin says,
“Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.”
Everything is stitched with its color. How true that is. There is only one Source that can penetrate the everything of my life, the everything that is stitched with its color.
I look back to a time, years ago, when I dealt with another big loss in my life. After months of sadness, questions, anger and despair, after a profound experience of deep revelation, I wrote this poem. Little did I know then that my losses were going to be even bigger than I imagined then (but I wouldn’t know this for years to come…)
In dealing with another big loss now, I find much comfort in going back to this poem that captures that moment when I began to trust in God as my Endless Source – as the One who would walk with me through each stage of feeling the pain of loss.
I turn to Him again. And again. And again.
Grief,
feeling my pain
in tangible ways.
Despair,
over things lost
that can never be regained.
Frustration,
feeling helpless
wide-open and vulnerable.
Desperation
knowing my needs are very real
and the past irreversible.
The sum total of all this
is mourning…
With these,
I came to You
crawled up on Your lap
hid my face in Your chest
and clung to You.
You held me.
You quietened me with Your love
till the only sound I could hear
was the comfort of Your heartbeat
against my own…
…and in that silence, You said,
“I am faithful.”
You helped me undo
my garment of mourning.
I said You could take it away.
And, as You did
it looked, oh, so small,
even insignificant,
in Your big, strong hands!
Yet, I know You were feeling
Every pain it represented.
We flung it into the distance
together—You and I.
Then, in return
You held out to me
a beautiful robe of praise
to match this soothed, softened heart of mine
that now longs for You
in passionate, new ways.
© shini abraham, from Treasures in Darkness: duco divina – contemplative doodling
Recent Comments